Ever since I was a little girl, I dreamed of becoming a mom. I have always loved babies and watching them grow. Becoming a mother was the fulfillment of a lifelong wish. Now, years later, my three boys are all grown up, and the house that once buzzed with the sound of their laughter, the rattle of toys, and the hum of family routines is quiet.
As a child developmental psychologist, I understand the importance of building strong, secure parent-child relationships. This foundation underpins all other aspects of development, including emotional, social, cognitive, and physical growth. I have been committed to promoting the development of healthy, resilient, and confident children throughout my personal and professional endeavors. While I continue this dedication in my career as an insights professional and child expert I'm navigating a new chapter as an empty nester mom. As my sons build lives of their own, I trust that those very same principles have prepared them for all that lies ahead.
I take comfort in one thing: boys always love their mom. That bond, that deep and abiding love, doesn’t disappear just because they leave the house. I’ll always be their mother, and that connection is lifelong. They still need me, just in different ways now. I must trust that I have raised them to be good men—men who will lean on the foundation we’ve built, the love we’ve shared, and the values we’ve instilled.
But as I watch my children step into adulthood, I find myself wondering, “What is my identity now?” For so long, I defined myself as a mother—my every thought and action revolved around caring for them, shaping their lives, and watching them grow. Now, in this new stage of life, I’m faced with a void that stretches beyond the physical absence of their presence. How do I navigate a world where my role is shifting?
There is also something poignant about reflecting on all the small moments that filled our days together: sports practices, art shows, driver’s tests, movie nights, summer vacations and dinner table conversations. Each one of these milestones—big and small—formed the tapestry of their childhood and, in turn, mine as a mother. I know how important it was to be there for every one of those moments, and still is. I realize now that I didn’t have to do everything perfectly; what mattered is showing up.
As I reflect, I can see how easy it is to take those moments for granted. But now I understand how fleeting they were. And, if I’m honest, this empty nest phase is scary. It’s a reminder that we all grow older, and things change. Through it all, there are things I’ve learned and lessons I’ve gathered that I want to pass on to new moms. If I could offer advice to those embarking on the same journey I’ve been on, I would tell them this:
They go quickly and, before you know it, your children will be adults. Spend as much time together as you can creating shared experiences all will remember, from an ice cream after a baseball game to a vacation at the beach. And don’t forget to celebrate each of their achievements too!
From the very beginning, make sure you’re laying a foundation of love, consistency, and respect. Children thrive when they feel secure and supported, and when you empower them to make choices and learn from their mistakes. Know that, as they grow, they will carry with them the strength of that foundation.
It can be hard to let go, but it’s essential. Children need to become independent, and that means we must let them make their own decisions, take risks, and sometimes fail. For me as a mom this hasn’t always been easy to do but I know it is important, as missteps provide the chance to learn and grow.
Foster an environment where your children feel they can come to you with anything, no matter how difficult or uncomfortable the conversation might be. Encourage open dialogue, asking open-ended questions, and showing active listening can help them feel heard and understood. This starts when they are young but is especially important as they enter the teenage years and beyond. And if you have multiple children like I do, it’s important to get some alone time with each of them.
Each child is unique, and while it’s tempting to compare them to others, celebrate their differences. Boys are often encouraged to follow specific pursuits, but it’s important to let them explore their unique interests. This helps them build self-esteem and gives them a sense of purpose. Encourage them to pursue their own passions and make their own mark in the world, even if it’s different from what you might have imagined for them.
Yes, being a mom is one of the most beautiful parts of life, but it’s also important to nurture the other parts of yourself. You are a parent, a person with dreams, ambitions, and passions that are separate from your children. Take time to rediscover who you are outside of your role as a mother. And, to invest in your other relationships like those with your spouse, friends and family members.
As I sit in my quiet home (except for barking dogs), I realize that my journey as a mother isn’t over. It’s just evolved. My boys are out there in the world, finding their way, and I am proud of the men they’ve become. Empty nesting, while bittersweet, is also a time for reinvention. I’m learning that this space I find myself in doesn’t have to be filled with fear or regret. It’s an opportunity for growth, for rediscovery, and for embracing new challenges and joys.
I guess I’m ready to take the next step. I may be crying while I do it, but as I tell my boys, it is a happy cry…
Rochelle Wainer
Autor