I do not want a she-shed, even though I love to craft. I'd prefer to call it a hormone time-out hut. My dream hormone hut wouldn’t be mine alone. My 'tween and teen would be welcome to share.
I never planned on puberty and perimenopause in the same house, but here they are. If you have dueling hormones in your home, follow a few simple steps to bring peace without having to build a hut in your backyard.
In 2017, the CDC put the average age of first-time moms at 28. There are many reasons behind that number. Women are waiting to get married and/or have kids because of careers.
I didn’t get married until my late 20’s. I had my kids at 29 and 34, so I fall right in that age-28 average. My mom had me at 22. By the time she was 47, I was almost married. By the time I turned 47, my kids were 12 and 16. That’s a big difference in ages. And in hormones.
“Since the changes of perimenopause may precede menopause by as many as 10 years, daughters often begin puberty around the same time their mothers begin perimenopause,” reports Dr. Christiane Northrup, M.D.
I cringed when the doctor wrote AMA (Advanced Maternal Age) on my pregnancy chart. I did the math when I got pregnant. I knew I would be 53 when my youngest graduated high school. What I didn’t count on or know about was the collision of perimenopause and puberty. While my kids are both getting hormones as a 'tween and teen, my own hormones are apparently beginning to run away.
If you're a mom in the same boat, here are my tips on finding peace (even without a hormone hut) in your house.
I've been to several parenting seminars and read more books on puberty than I can count. At one of the seminars, the speaker pointed out the first sign of pending puberty wasn’t hair or crying or boobs or even sweatiness. She told us that our kids’ feet growing was the literal biggest indicator that puberty was on the horizon.
Sure enough, Kid One went from a kid’s size shoe to a man’s size 15 in less than a year. Kid Two got woman-sized feet long before boobs. Big Foot-level hairiness definitely followed. Those feet were harbingers of hormonal doom.
My first big tip: watch the feet. Once kids cross into adult sizes, a hormone explosion may be lurking around the corner.
When my kids were toddlers, I swore by the acronym HALT (Hungry-Angry-Lonely-Tired) to see why they were acting they way they were. With puberty and perimenopause running amok in our house, I've added another H to the acronym. Are you hormonal? Hungry? Angry? Lonely? Tired? All of the above? Get thee to the hormone hut. Or get thee to the snack basket and some Midol.
It hit me one day: every person in my house “could” get pregnant or get someone pregnant. In that vein, no one in the house wants to be pregnant or will be getting anyone pregnant. At 47, that would put me at 65 when a third child would graduate high school.
Having to chat about my still-present fertility while threatening my children within an inch of their fertile selves was maybe the most uncomfortable part of "The Talk.” They didn’t want to think about me getting pregnant. Or about what causes that. And they still (fingers crossed forever) think that it's a gross proposition for themselves.
My mom did very little talking and I consequently did very little understanding of what was going on with me or her. While initially "The Talk” isn’t fun, continuing to talk is crucial. Even if the experience is uncomfortable, it's necessary.
A pediatrician only treats your kids so far. Our doctor is board-certified for kids and adults so we’ve discussed everything about puberty with him. When the hormones hit, it may be time to visit the gynecologist with daughters if your doctor only treats younger children. Your doctor that has monitored everything from growth charts to vaccines should also discuss puberty.
Ask questions. What's normal? What's your opinion of the HPV vaccine? And Mom, you should also get your hormone levels checked.
I've think that there's a positive in going through enormous hormonal changes at the same time as my kids. It's that I'm going through enormous hormonal changes at the same time as my kids.
When they sweat at new levels, I can empathize because I have the beginning of hot flashes. When they start shaving for the first time, we can share the bloody tissue-paper covered shins. (I still haven’t figured out a way to avoid that disaster.)
Hormones can keep both adults and teens up at night and there's honestly someone in my house crying most days. While they don’t always want to or have the ability to explain why they're crying (and I definitely don’t always know the origin of my own tears), empathy is key. Sometimes, just sitting next to them and listening is helpful. Sometimes, staying outside of the slammed door is a better choice.
While it isn’t always fun being in the same hormone hut as my kids, the truth is that it's better because we are together. If you find yourself in the same situation, use empathy even in the midst of your own hormone experience.
My kids and I started to exchange journals at the beginning of the hormone journey. They leave the simple composition notebooks outside their door with notes to me when it's too hard or too embarrassing to talk. I respond and put the notebooks back in their rooms. The journals are a way they can open up communication without direct conversation.
If you start a similar journal exchange, be prepared for hard and easy questions. Sometimes I just get a simple “thank you” note written on one line. Introducing some form of the no-judgment, no face-to-face conversation can be one way to get hormonal kids to open up, even if it’s just on paper.
Almost all of my mom friends are around my age or older. While we lament and compare some of the changes our kids are going through, it's much harder (and usually communicated in side whispers) to discuss our own hormonal changes. Open up dialogue in your mom network about your experiences too.
While there won’t be an actual hormone hut growing in my backyard, I am on this hormonal adventure with my kids. Occasionally man-o-pause even rears its hormonal head. By exercising empathy and being aware of the effects of hormones at both ends of the scale, our house is much more peaceful.
When it gets really bad, I may still craft and eat chocolate in my closet. I know I not the only one hiding in a closet with a glue gun and a Hershey bar.
Amy Barnes
Author